The Struggle of “Worth”
I struggle daily in finding joy and being content with who I am. I alternate between loving who I am and where I am going and doubting my worth in this world. It becomes an incredibly intense struggle when the actions and words of others fuel my own self-doubt. My thoughts bounce back and forth in my brain with thoughts of peace and contentment, to the concern that I’m not doing enough; that I somehow need more and need to be doing more.
Our 21st century culture seems to reject the idea that a person can be content and have fulfillment while single. Even the culture at the Christian school I attend focuses more on when Paul encourages marriage rather on the equally meaningful section of where Paul encourages singleness. But, as a single person, in the same way that Paul devoted his life to missions and travel for the sake of building up Christians, single people today can model that. How can I as a young adult use my singleness for the betterment of the world? I can pursue dreams that may not be possible in a relationship.
Our culture makes it difficult to discuss negative feelings in public spaces. We turn to humor as a defense mechanism, or we turn to the positive rather than taking time to talk through the pain that person is feeling. I feel both of these things heavily. In a culture where dating and marriage is encouraged, in a culture where positive “vibes” are acceptable, but negativity is looked down upon, I face the world single and as a person who deeply hurts. I face an untamed world and worry that my significance is deemed unworthy as I walk through life in these new and wild culture norms. A focus on positivity seems rather a rejection of things that make people uncomfortable, it’s uncomfortable for this culture that we talk about such things like singleness that limit my feeling of worth.
It’s really a potentially dangerous thing in how we suppress these uncomfortable feelings and discussions. It isn’t just about people sharing feelings for the sake of sharing feelings, rather it could be about using this uncomfortable pain and struggle of worth to correct other wrongs in the world.
After his first hit and big book, This Side of Paradise, Francis Scott Fitzgerald (F. Scott) turned to drink and partying. His life is pretty sad. He knew that there was no substance to life or satisfaction in life for those who only party and indulge in all of the temporary pleasures of life. He would have a dysfunctional marriage, would drink and party and plagiarize from his wife’s diaries, and would die at a relatively young age from a heart attack.
Fitzgerald understood that the way that he lived offered no meaning and satisfaction. In writing The Great Gatsby, Jay Gatsby lived that sort of lifestyle. He would party and have some sort of fake interest in a girl named Daisy and his life would have no real substance. The saddest part of the book is the end after Gatsby has died, the narrator of the book, Nick held his funeral,
“So did Gatsby’s father. And as the time passed and the servants came in and stood waiting in the hall, his eyes began to blink anxiously, and he spoke of the rain in a worried, uncertain way. The minister glanced several times at his watch, so I took him aside and asked him to wait for half an hour. But it wasn’t any use. Nobody came.”[i]
Not even the woman Gatsby had a relationship with came to his funeral. He had no substance in his life. Just like the man writing the book, Gatsby would die not making any impact upon the world. Rather he would be forgotten as time went on.
How do I make my life not end up in the same way? How do I avoid bitterness and sorrow and lack of impact?
I find my worth in Christ alone. God tells me exactly how to find worth and significance, “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.”[ii] As a child of the Most High, I find worth as a child with a loving Father. My significance is found not in who I date, not in how I feel, but in my position as a child of a loving Father.
Even in knowing this truth, it’s so hard to live a life fully trusting in that truth. Life is an endless rollercoaster, one day I feel as if I am loved wholeheartedly by God and I feel his radiant love in every aspect of my life. Other days, I feel a sort of “Fitzgerald-esque” view on my life, that I have no substance and am too late to try to attain it.
Finding my worth in Christ and in Christ alone allows us to live a purposeful life. It actually propels us into a life of purpose. We are loved and given worth, so we show love by using the opportunities we have to make the world a better place. I have the opportunity to use the pain I’ve experienced in life and the opportunities I have right now to impact the world around me.
Endnotes:
[i] Fitzgerald, F. Scott. The Great Gatsby, Charles Scribner’s Sons, 2004, pg. 174.
[ii] John 1:12, English Standard Version.
